You're such a screw UP.

You're loosing hope,

You're losing hope,

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EMOOOOO! NO!!!

Our Web site has a particular infuriation when it comes down to emo poems. This poem is what most people on this Web site would call emo. And thus consider it terrible. And this is why:

Your cheeks are puffy from crying,

Cliche.
eyes swollen from tears,

Cliche.

hair messy from all the tares,

Cliche. Plus spelling mistake.

lips sore from all the biting,

Cliche.

throat sore from all the screaming,

Cliche.

You're loosing hope,

I hate this "loosing". I wonder why. (Oh, you meant losing!) Plus, it's just a little cliche.

You're fading,

Oh no, fading! Too bad I've heard it a 5315 times before, so it can't really make me feel anything.

You want to be happy,

Absurdly simple and general. Face the facts: Everyone wants to be happy.

but there's no way,

AH! Where did this come from? No way? No way for what?

you come home four out of five days:

Poop. Why four out of five? Why not six out of five? And wait... She comes home four out of five days: ?

crying,

Oh, she was crying? I thought she was just coming home four out of five days! It sounds reasonable for her to cry, after all the sores in her throat and the tares in her hair.

Nervous breakdowns are taking

NO! NO! WHY NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS???? TOO SCIENTIFIC! You can't just go from General to Specific in less than one line. Poop!

over,

And this was completely overkill of rhyme.

All you want to do is sleep,

Cliche.

and all you know is

Poop.

You're depressed.

Why!!!!???? You're telling here, not showing! Oh no!

So yes. I am furious. This was a-paul-ing. Sorry for the evilness. I must seem like the big, bad wolf. But I'm just trying to be critical so your self-esteem would seld-divide and you'd be able to improve your poetry... [Smily face.]

Poets.org is your ultimate resource. Read 20 of these and you'd be a poem genius. Guarenteed.

About ten words: Show not tell-- imagery-- metaphores, similies-- specifics-- poop.

I think that it didn't need as much explanation in the beginning - it seems almost like a warning, like "look out for this poem! It bites!!" Which isn't a good thing.

Also, I think the ending was too abrupt.

I liked how desciptive you were with your words!! I think that the way that you made it sound real was intesifying.

The title was the thing that got me here, but this was over before I even noticed. And unfortunately that's not a good thing. I actually liked it at first, thinking, "I know what you mean!" but then the last line just hit me in the face and kind of ruined the experience.

I hate to agree with tennisprincess on the TV ad thing It really sounds like that. It's kind of funny, but I know it isn't supposed to be.

Nevertheless, you mustn't stop writing poems, I think you could be great!

All the best from
Demeter

This seemed likea TV add for some pills to me..

NO OFFENSE!


Thats not bad..

However I felt some lines to be just plain... i dont know a word for it thats kind xD


"You're loosing hope,
You're fading,
You want to be happy, "

I felt the rythm here to be wayyyyyyyyyy off for a piece like this.

Overall you could've extended the piece and certain lines of it.


I felt that at times it was just... far too commercial and not emotional enough.


I understand you're maybe not used to this or something but a good way to become a good poet is to read other poetry.
Just a suggestion.

If you ever need help with it feel free to contact me as poetry is one of my better spots.

Ahh yes see, this is why I don't write poems. haha
It was just something from when I was feeling down.
The last time I wrote a poem was.... like 3 years ago?
Ha.
But thanks anyways, guys(:

day tripper wrote:Um, well I feel that it is okay to write this because it's about me.
I don't really know what to say; but here:

Your cheeks are puffy from crying,
eyes swollen from tears,
hair messy from all the tares,
lips sore from all the biting,
throat sore from all the screaming, The repitition of sore in the two lines kind of bothered me, maybe change one?
You're loosing hope,
You're fading,
You want to be happy,
but there's no way,
you come home four out of five days:
crying,
Nervous breakdowns are taking
over,
All you want to do is sleep,
and all you know is
You're depressed.


I've never wrote poetry like this before, so um.. yeah. /:

That was pretty good. I liked how it had a lot of emphasis on how the subject is feeling.

The only problem was that it was so straight forward that you really left the reader with not much to imagine about. The poem did not make me feel the feeling associated with it. It did not make me feel depressed and like I could identify with it. I think it is always important for a poem to be something the reader can identify with. Even if it is about you.

Wow,i.love.it. xD
All of your descripitions explodes with "You're depressed". I really enjoyed you dark poem!You should write more of these kind of poems =]

9.5 out of 10

I liked it all but the end. Its just to straight foreward. Can you change it?

this was okay, i especially liked this part:
"you come home four out of five days:
crying,
Nervous breakdowns are taking
over, "
the way you separate it makes me think of emphasis on the words alone, which when i tried imagining in my head really seemed to work. i don't know if this was what you were going for, but it's what i got from it.

i don't really have much to say about the rest. maybe it wasn't really my cup of tea, but i thought (other than the aforementioned lines) it was mediocre.

7.75/10